Faith and Forgiveness

I have learned,

that forgiveness should be worth forever.


I have learned, that,

there are times you should forgive, and forget.


There are times,

you should forgive, but not forget.


And also, there will be a time,

for those who are unworthy of forgiveness that you need to forget.




Have faith, always.

One day.

One day.
Just, one day.

One day,
you will know how it feels to feel unfinished.

One day,
you will truly know what it feels to feel diminished.

One day,
you will know how it feels to be constantly pushed away.

One day,
you will understand the reason of why you need to stay.

One day,
you will know how it feels to reach out to what you want so bad helplessly.

One day,
you will know how it feels to be in a time wrap that seems infinity.

One day,
you will know the impounding pain that never leaves.

One day,
you will rue night you thought it was never worth the grief.

One day,
you will know how empty it feels when your hand has nothing to hold.

One day,
you will know the moment when you won't be able to sleep, to turn sideways and to fold.

One day,
you'd be on your knees looking up to the sky.

One day,
you won't even know how to shed a tear even when your heart starts to cry.

One day,
you will find yourself in the middle of nowhere.

One day,
the only thing you can do is to count the scars you bear.

One day,

you will know how it feels to be betrayed and lied to over and over.

One day,

you will know how painful it is to hold on even when you think it might not get any better.

One day,

you will kneel even when you think you're strong enough to stand.

One day,

you will know how unbearable it is, even when you think you got what it takes to mend.

One day,
you will have something so pure, so full of love, so delicate.

One day,
it will be gone, just as you are forced to believe that it is fate.

A Man With A Thousand Hole.

This is a story of a man,
on a the edge of a mountain.

A man of a thousand smiling masks,
to face the grim reality of life
as he knew.

He is a man,
hallowed by many,
understood by few.

A man, who cherished a thousand souls in his life,
until his soul left nothing but an empty shell.

A man,
who once had a thousand stories to tell,
yet chooses to remain in silence.

He is a man,
who gave his love unconditionally
even when he has lost his a thousand times.

He is a firm believer.
who believes things will be better
even it never did, even for a thousand years.

He is a man,
who understands the pain of the others
but never had anyone to look into his eyes,
to understand the thousands of his.

A man,
who had betrayals in life as a gamble
whom he lost a thousand times,
yet he still kept his card on the deck.

He has a thousand holes in him,
a hollowed mind, heart deluged by blackened thoughts,
yet keeps the spark for the others.

He is a man,
who learned the rocky road, the hard way
before paving thousands of crimson paths for the others.

"In life, everybody makes mistakes, 
so that they will learn from it", they say.

He was THAT mistake.
A jumping rock, for thousands of others to relearn life,
to achieve something better.
But
never had that chance of being the jumper.

A man, who walked the others a thousand miles.
Yet never took a step for himself,
as he waits for uncertainties he had his faith in.

A man,
who has a thousand reasons to regret,
even him being a regret to remember for some
but he regrets none of them.

A man,
who can never provide
all the wealth in the world to give to all,
but only a thousand sincere prayers on his lips,
even when he is uncertain that his own prayers will be answered.





This is a story of a man,
who took a giant breathe of faith
and swallowed his hopes.

And in the end,
he smiled cherishly
like there is nothing left in the Earth for him
to care no more.

Ignite Me.

I took a good look in the mirror today.
Of scars and bruises,
shown right in the reflection under the balmy lights.

There are some memories buried
right within this never ending clenching white knuckle.

Right in the cracks within the spiralling fingers.
Slowly deepened into the void of nothingness.

Drenched in feelings that should have
been bottled up and kept inside,
but it burns hotter than the back of the unforgiving sun.

But it was never really a clench in regret.

Regrets?

I have none.

I got no regret,
of popping up the question, early in one fine morning,
as I vowed myself for an oath.

I got no regret,
of finally letting someone to fill the void that has been emptied in me.

I got no regret,
of getting myself bruised forgiving mistakes that are unforgiven
and even, begged for it.

I got no regret,
of getting myself lied to, even when I can sense the truth.

I got no regret,
to fall and fall, over and over, just to rise above again.

I got no regret,
of promises I made, oaths I have taken,
because I know how I'd stand by it.

I got no regret,
of putting a ring onto someone's finger
as a promise that I will put another one day,
just to have it returned in agony.

I got no regret,
to stay true to what I have believed in,
even the roads are at times paved with thorns and thistles.

I got no regret,
of saving myself onto something so big and pure,
even if it turns out unfinished.

I got no regret,
of being the blaming wall,
for things that did
and some I didn't even do.

I got no regret,
of being hated by many,
when all I have is compassion and forgiveness for all.

I got no regret,
of being in shame for who I am,
rather than being proud of what I am not.

I got no regret,
holding onto hopes that are
shone by the light of imaginary dreams,
yet tainted by the shadow of mistakes.

I got no regret,
to give trust blindly,
just to be thrown down the drain.

I got no regret,
counting on meaningless promises,
because I am aware of what I am giving.

I got no regret,
to wish I had been wrong,
because the truth sometimes can hurt even more.

I got no regret,
to have fought for something so pure,
even it turns out to be sour.

I got no regret
to correct the wrongs,
even when the rights are continuously fabricated.

I got no regret
to determinedly wanted to stay,
even when I've been pushed away.

I got no regret,
to build a bridge brick by brick, just to have it burned.

I got no regret,
when all I have is love,
just to be thrown back with hate.

I got no regret,

because when everything ends,
I am the one who still standing
right here, all along.
like always.

Because in the end,
though I seemed to walk empty handed in defeat,
I gained everything, gained so much,
Just for me to walk again.


And because I got no regret,
of loving a lovely soul endlessly,
still am, and always,
will be.

If you ever love sombody.

If you love someone, don't bail.

If you love someone, don't quit even if the loved one tried to make you.

If you love someone, don't judge. For all that you might not know, is that if she really loves you, she will end up realizing of how much you do.

If you love someone, trust her. Even if she broke it numerous times. Even if you already know the truth, trust her.

If you love someone, do not accuse things, even if you might think the accusation is almost true, even if you might think that you know everything, but you may be wrong.

If you love someone, do not violate with harsh decisions and words, yet choose to wrap her with kindness. Because kindness will melt all the negative things at the end of the day, regardless whatever truth may come.

If you love someone, be bold and strong, for love comes with a price of pain. Once you're impervious, you'd know what keeps you alive.

If you love someone, stay. Until the day she removes you, until the day you're no longer needed. Until the day she'd cold heartedly tell you "I don't love you anymore".

If you love someone, give. For what you give, you'll get it back.

If you love someone, love. And never expect anything in return.

500.

I don't normally keep track of time.
For I am quite of a klutz.
I do.
Like, at times, even when I am
late for work, late for a meeting, anything,
I just roll my eyes back and inhale everything in
slowly
just to let myself slide through time.

I never really had a calendar on the wall
that I can cross out the dates,
or doodle something important next to it.

I never really get the idea of time space continuum,
nor enjoying a time break,
let alone some crazy fucked up imagination of having a time device
to go back in time,
where I used to think
it will be better for me to change certain things.

Because I don't need to.

Present,
is what I really need.

And at the moment,
I am here,
just where I need to be.
where I want to be.

But often unntentionally I would
flip through my phone just to look at the calendar.
That, in between looking at the photographs and text messages;
The dates.
The significant of the numbers, that went pass through me
on an unspecific basis
just to find out where exactly am I.

And I happened to be, where I needed to be.

And like today,
just as I came back, and flipped through the catalogs of days
in my cracked screen phone
I realized that,
all the things that have happened,
led me to this day,

the 500th day,

ever since we looked at each other,
and sewn our hands together.

Time flies, yes it does.
But at this particular time,
I can feel the breeze,
the sweet scent you left me.

Just enough to feel your presence in the wind,
before I can reach out to the warmth of your fingers,
again.

And I will be patiently waiting,
for the next 500.

As always.
Always will be.
Always.

Reasons.

Again, for hundredths of times,

I claw the night sky

With different strokes

As I always do with different fingers every night

Moving slowly pretending as if I was getting myself ready to conduct an orchestra;

To an overture of a masterpiece I've been writing all my life.

I draw breaths silently

In between eye blinks

Synchronized with every ticking second,

Figuring out unimaginable and infinite   and restless queries;

A deep hunger for answers that can never be filled.

Of all the wonders, I can still find peace under the blanket, embracing your shirts, the remaining scent on my hand, everything that I can hold on to in times like these.

And looking up to the sky above us, wondering if you are staring at it at the same time the way I do.

I guess if I were to recount either all the pain I've crossed or the joy I've been in, it would take forever. I realize that the more I'm trying to swim the more I'm sinking in, before I will dissolve and become a part of the molecules of whatever I'm drowning in.

So instead, I'd find peace in letting myself drifting away with the waves.

Because deep inside, in the end, in between somewhere, I know I'd find find you, standing, looking back at me, with the most beautiful smile,

Chanting;

Always you. Always will be, always.

Always, the best laugh.

Always, the reliable source of excitement.

Always, the never ending source of entertainment.

Always, the greatest of friend.

Always, the devout lover.

Always, the most adorable clumsy butterfinger.

Always, the loveliest of all.

Always, the sweetest scent.

Always, the dependable council.

Always, the softest skin to touch.

Always, the warmest shoulder to lean to when things get rough.

Always, the hand that fits when our fingers are sewn together, hand in hand.

Always, my home, where your heart is.

Always you. Always will be. Always.

Sandcastle

Of all the grain in the sand by the beach

I have skimmed the best.

Just the very best, under the scorching blinding sun.

As slow as I can, I pressed my hands on the surface

Patching up holes, fortifying the layers

Of the walls, built by guilt and doubtful thoughts

With confidence, and make believe imaginations

Here, in the humongous yet fragile sandcastle,

I have built us a world.

A beacon of hope, a world filled with dreams and faith.

As fragile as it seems, it is the best of all monuments

I can ever build in thousands of years.

Because faith, no matter how fragile it seems to be, is worth fighting for.

As I imagine the tiny us,

 walking hand in hand through the shades of corridors inside,

Enjoying the view of the world, the sweet scent of the ocean,

Counting countless tiny seashells on the walls

Like our endless love.

Though waves will wash everything away,

Yet I shall remain here,

Waiting,

To build everything all over again.

Even on a wreck,

I will crawl

Just to write our names on the sand

For you, for us.

A toast.

Here's an imaginary toast
to the fragments of memories
of four hundred and twenty two days,
when I let your names imprinted in my heart
for the first time.

A toast
for the best of days in my life.

A toast
for each dusk and dawn
we're together;

For miles we've flown hand in hand, with our fingers sewn together.
For seas we've crossed.
For every road sign we bumped into.
For how far we've come.

A toast
for when I can let go of any of my insecurity worrilessly.
For every reconciliation over fights we had.
For the burning passion in your voice each time you uttered those three words to me.

A toast
for every burden lifted off my chest,
like a stash full of secrets and hopes and dreams and fears
finally unlocked, uncovered, disclosed,
exposed.

A toast
for finally,
Heaven is within my grasp.

A toast
for heaven that we've created;
every time I run my hands on your smooth, silk-like skin,
every time your forehead pressed softly against mine,
glimmering eyes that stare deep into me,
as we forge a new world of our own,
each passing day.
 
A toast
for every time I carved a smile on your face
that has always been the antidote
that cured the excruciating pain within me,
made me forget the world,
and its torments
even for an ephemeral bliss.

A toast
to 'us, forever'.

Enlightenment.

There's always a permanent beauty

in every love words I have uttered

whenever I see your divine smile.

A constant repetition

reminding me

that I am not just in love with you,

but a permanent love

that I have found

within us.

That I do, 

without a small fraction of doubt,

love you.

Even though there were times

we threw pain at each other

strangling ourselves with rants and screams

and torments for every corner we've encountered. 

Before realizing that we grew stronger

each time.

And to realize,

that every time we felt that we've lost,

it was just another battles won.

And I will always,

in the aftermath,

reach out to you,

embracing us,

fondly

and to remind you

for every beauty we often missed seeing.

As much as you want me to.

And without fail,

To remind you,

there's a huge black card on the wall,

that will always greet you home.

Everytime.

Perfection.

Finding perfections is a never ending quest

We often forget

That sometimes

is found 

Underneath of all those imperfect rubbles

And that is how I always picture

Of us.

The more I scrap through the surface

Digging tunnels and holes

The more I see of us,

The perfection that lies within.

Because beauty happens to exist when we are overlooking

Often passed when we are to busy

Finding ways to mend the cracks

And to attend our bothered minds

Forgetting the warmth of sunlights reflected on our skins

When in fact, it was right in front of our eyes.

Because happiness often regarded

As a fantasy, a phantom

An untraceable shadow

When we are actually engulfed by it, all these while without us knowing.

And the worse of all, is when we began to throw away things that we never knew we had, happens to be the things we were looking for, all our lives.

Missing you is always a strength

No matter how painful it is sometimes

Therefore I will never give up on telling you 'I miss you's.

Loving you is always liberating

Never once I felt strangled by it

Therefore I will never get tired of saying 'I love you's.

In between all those,

I knew, that

With all my life,

I have found grace, and peace

Over my scrapped knees from praying.

Because you are,

Indeed,

The answer to all of my prayers.

In my own special way

I love you,

And I miss you so.

9 Months.

It has been 9 months,
since we depart
for our great sailing.

We roamed the ocean,
through thunderstorms and maelstroms.
through sunlights and starry nights.

We sailed,
through the mists and fogs,
before we escaped into the lights.

And I will cherish of everything you've taught me,

That beauty will always reveal
when we are really looking.

That happiness cometh
from the smallest random acts,

That the purest sparks of love,
ignited from profound embers.

The solitude we had,
when we're locked away from the world,
comforting each other
in between cuddles
after waking up
from a bad dream.

And to smile everytime we stare at each other.


And on this very very day,

I am reaching out to you,
with a golden plate on my hands,
carrying my heartfelt thank you,

For being the best of woman in my life,

That has been taking a stroll
standing hand in hand with me,
down the hard, rocky lane,
towards the paved crimson and clover
into fields of gold.

For writing, and continuously writing chapters in my life,

page by page.
Onto the next,
With quills and inks made by our memories,
both bitter and sweet.

For feeding me,

with your beautiful smiles,
your comforting and tender touches,
with joy and laughters.


For loving me,

not just for who I am,
but for what we are,
what we had and have
and for what we will go through.


I love you,
for every breath I inhale everyday,
and became a part of me,
that will always dwell.

Always, and forever.

I love you, dear munchkin. :)

Little By Little.

It wasn't until I had sometime

to clean up the rooms,

And unfolding the box, 

our box,

for the hundredths of time.

Laying out pictures of us,

frame by frame, little by little.

When a note slips away to my laps.

A small little white piece of paper,

written nicely, yet undone.

"the smell of morning dew,

at the break of dawn,

it's a start of something new,

with the roses blossom in the lawn.

as the sunlight touches my face,

i hear the hustle in the wind,

as my heartbeat pick up the pace,

i open my eyes with u on my mind"

With a calm and collected smile on my face,

my itchy fingers began to move.

Little by little,

before I had that little piece of paper filled.

"as my face began to feel the moisture,

embracing the breeze

i held close our pictures together 

between my knees

it's a world of wonder, 

where magic rejoiced

when the world seems lighter, 

whenever i hear your voice

round and round we dance,

under the sunlight, 

we waltz,

in our profound romance.

and though I might not 

be always in your view

my endless whispers of love, joy and care

will always be with you."

And I smiled,

putting my fingers at rest,

Little by little.

Have Heart

Of every night

I caressed, folded and molded

The pillow, trying to forge

The resemblance of your face

I pulled myself together,

Stronger and stronger.

And while you were away,

I quake the world for us

I faced the world, with you in me,

With your love empowering me,

In the overwhelming struggle

Forging a better self

Forging a better me

A better tomorrow

For us.

That said, I am pulling away

From the giving ups

And to rise,

Rather than to stumble

And crumble

Like a molten volcano.

But though building up concretes

And the whole figments

Of imagery being the dam against the strongest tide,

I do too, cracked a little. 

Because no matter how sturdy I seemed,

How far I flew,

I need a soft ground to land to.
My safe ground, my sanctuary.

It's inconvenient to walk,

When the naked truth is

I miss

Every

Single

Particle

Of

Your

Touch.

So I will wait for you, love

With an empty open hand

To be filled

With yours.

Come clean.

Life is wonderful,
and joyful; filled with magical incantations
when I started looking
through the window.

To the other side of the greener field.

I am trapped,
in this four sided square box, yes.
But in my mind,
I am free.

**********

Woe is for the worrying souls
who see the life on a narrow hard end,
whilst ignoring the peripheral views of the world.

Forgot to embrace the flames and hurricanes,
and to carry a little side of faith
that every mishap is a blessing.

And to be grateful of what you have,
before you kneel and clenching fists in pulsating wounds of regret
over things you threw away
with a make believe pride,
in an uphill pursuit of your own
imaginary made up fantasies you will never reach.

Life is for living,
And love is for-giving.

*********

Over the window, I look.
And I see
You
standing.

With life on your right hand,
You brought love on the other.

Showering me with colourful rain,
Every drop,
Flowing through the cracks

Washing away the scars and fears I have been covering.

Ease.

There's a covered empty canvas
Somewhere in the corner
Of my crude mind,
The obsolete empty piece that has been left
For so long, nearly forgotten.

With the cracked palette,
I began to mix the faded and dusty colors
With the best of emotions
New  found memories,
Wills, make beliefs, and once broken pieces of hope.

Through pain and bliss,
Time through time,
With every stroke of the brush,
While carving a smile, a familiar tilt on my face;
A drive to quench
My thirst of perfection and masterpiece.

Oh, how I long to paint the paper clouds with colors
in a comforting ease and guilt free,

While letting my imagination
Drown in the resemblance of your beauty,
That slips from my mind through my fingertips.

Oh, how I long to feel the calm,
Over a finished piece.

Like a long lonesome highway,
I finally yield before a road sign
With our names stamped on it.

Where I can rejoice, upon a completed journey.

Senseless.

There's an excruciating pain in my gums
forced me to grit my teeth.

Feeling disgusted over unfinished sentences
that used to be an infinite vortex
flowing over me like a river,
and drowned me in;
healing antidotes for infections in me
over faces, space, and time.

I am now numb. Exposed. In a fucking open season.

Good to go.

Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, uncl..

With the tip of my finger
I began to draw an imaginary star on the surface
of a white wall.
Slow and intense.
One onto another,
until the whole constellation connected.
The whole fucking cycle.

And for a second,
I am glorified
and humiliated
by my own shadow at the very same time.
Staring back at me.

At the present moment, I am a second rate me in my past.

Save Me

I am the world.

The world that is paved with cracks and droughts
and deserts on the surface, with few little oases.

The world that is oftenly mistaken as paradise,
a shelter for broken souls,
a fair for uncherished minds,
and those who have lost their way home.

A world that people come and go,
with marks and footprints left behind, waiting to fade in time.

A world that needs to be saved, rather than a saving grace.

Halo

I know of a pain
that stains the fabric of the heart.
A heart that once loved and loving back
on the same tempo
of two heartbeats, beating for one another.

Pins and needles.
Pins and needles.
Pins
and
fucking
needles.

I counted the streetlights
of every pole that passed by the window
on every lonesome night drive,
cruising as the heartache lurks on every
freeway on my mind.

Every stray of light,
that reminded me of being an undeserving soul each time,
so unworthy to even ache from missing a free dove that flew away,
and will not come back.

Because if "you deserve so much better" is how it supposed to be when
every time I thought that I have already found
the missing pieces I've been looking for,

I might as well
don't deserve anything.

And if freedom is the thought,
when the reality is shackled tightly onto the ground,

freedom is somehow too good to be true.

Because while to the contrary of happiness, is impermanent, it is also certain.
And certainty never lies,
like pictures.

And to deny certainty,
is suicidal.

On this very day,
this very day,
this
very
day,
I wrote your name with
every drip of blood
that runs through my veins
as the ink
- for every unrequited hope,
that will never come true -
before I mimicked the honesty
with thousands of counterfeit expressions,
to bury the excruciating pain.

Don't you know that
underneath the facade,
of these thick layers of smiling masks,
there's a face that's bruised and full of scars,
and severed hopes,
and broken dreams,
that misses you?

Exhale

I may read a book

from a different page

and being different from everyone else.

But I can still summarize the whole book,

because at the end of the day

the whole story is still the same

when you've read every page.

And I choose to silence myself,

over words that slips

through the rubbles in me

- not because of I am afraid, nor scarred, nor torn, nor tattered, nor not appreciating.

But solely because I don't need to justify anything.

I never in fact had anything to justify.

And for the reason of my words are worthless, as always.

On which I rely on my actions and deeds that speakes for the whole of my situation

and it's up to the world to judge - where at the very end, truth prevails.

I don't need the clovers of rainbows,

to cleanse up the fog in me - because everything is temporary

and far from the harshness of assumptions

that I am seeking answers

from the dusts of white ponies and blue buttons.

Because I don't need answers to questions that turn out to be rhetorical.

And to be mistaken that I never acknowledged,

and never will, the beauty

of memories that will always glow through our darkest moments

is far more hurting from the damage done.

Because no matter how stark the reality is,

underneath the bitter tastes

of burnt Winston Lights on the surface on my lips everytime,

I can still find the sweetness of the memories

and facts that was buried under,

that you never know.

I am still

the same person

that reflects

in your mirror.