Yes. M-fucking-A-A.

My instinct has been a good friend of mine throughout the years.

I am a man of faith, although I can assure you that I am not a good Muslim. And instinct has been one of the crucial components of my faith. I put a huge amount of trust in my instinct more than I trust myself.

My insticnt told me that I will make it thru UPSR with good grades when I was in Primary 6, prior of getting that straight ass 5-As result. Clever, my ass. It was just my luck.

My instinct told me to fuck up my UPU without consulting that asswipe school counselor and let things fall into places, before I ended being in that shabby, old school KPTM college in Kuantan. Never the less, those three years wasted has led me towards a new world far from what I had imagined.

I even started to discover myself. The true me. Things I am really good at. Vice versa.

My instinct told me to dump that bimbo when she told me that she slept with my "bestfriend" for like... what, twice? Yeah.

Weird tho, I did not felt hurt or shit. It was fast, and just. And glad. Good luck on being a whore, bitch.

......wwwwwweeeirrdd.

My instinct told me that my other ex-gf had already met someone when we spent a weekend at her home, and I even could tell who the guy was. Uh-uh.

My instinct told me to quit me studies (even I was very certain that I could pass the course if I stayed) and pursue my career with ROTTW. 'Guess that was the biggest, boldest mutherfukin move I ever made. And I am happy with that.

I met a lot, fuckin lotsa people I never thot I would. New friends. New foes. Backstabbers. Dickheads.

And a new circle of family, starting from the night I went to Capsquare for that epic-fail Steven&Coconut Treez showdown, where I met Jarrod and Celine, hence the others.

I don't consider them as friends. I put no stock of faith in friendship. But family. And the Malay/Arabic term 'sahabat'. 'The fuck is friendship day for anyway? What, to show your appreciation just for a day before you can fuck his day up again on the next day?

Oh well, the saga continues.

My instinct told me to bail from ROTTW at one period, and switched my job to CSC. Working as a Service Desk Analyst. Hmmm. Where in the end I could afford to have my own car and a decent place, newer clothes, better meals, and rests. And to give some to my mum. Fair enough.

My instinct even told me that I will, one day, become a successful person. And I don't give a fuck on what basis it will be. Be it in music, networking, or even owning a gigantic bridal house along Jalan Ipoh. Hoooooshiz, that will be awsumm.

In time of despair, my instinct would be the greatest friend. For instance, my instinct told me to hold on. Stay in that circle of sanity, don't move. Fuck everyone else, you're on your own.

And sometimes for some odd reasons, it tells me to stop chasing the rainbows at times. Get out of the way. Get the fuck out of someone's life. Stop what you're doing. Stop trying to be selfless. Stop thinking that one day people would understand you. Go ahead and be a dick for once. Move on.

Well, who gives a shit about that seven-coloured paraball anyways. You don't.

Instinct is probably the greatest gift from God I ever received. Best I ever had.

And now, it's telling me to get an insurance. MAA, anyone?



Babi, bila nak pukul 5.30 ni. Aku nak balik tido.

serius aku lapar dan bosan.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

ada orang yang selalu perhatikan kita dari jauh,
perhati gerak geri kita.
observe segala benda di sekeliling kita.
bukan stalker, hanya ingin memastikan yang kita ni selamat.
kita ni okay.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

orang tu banyak berkorban untuk kita.
kadang-kadang terlampau banyak, sampai kita sendiri tak nampak.
orang tu bersusah payah untuk adakan diri dia untuk kita bila mana kita perlukan seseorang.
dan orang macam nilah yang selalu kita abaikan.
yang selalu kita letak pada petak terakhir bila kita senang.
dan hanya kita jadikan priority bila kita sangkut tak tau nak buat apa - sebelum kita kembali lupakan dia bila kita dah lapang.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

kita dahulu keseorangan. sangap. sakit. tekanan jiwa.
orang itulah yang datang bersusah payah semata-mata untuk menemani kita.
orang yang benar-benar cuba untuk faham siapa diri kita.
orang yang benar-benar mendengar, bukan hanya membetah/memangkah/memotong cakap kita bila kita bercerita tentang masalah kita.
dan orang macam ni lah yang akhirnya kita lupakan bila satu masa kita tiba-tiba dikelilingi oleh kawan yang bila-bila masa sahaja boleh lupakan kita.
kecuali dia, yang masih memerhati kita, walaupun dia keseorangan seperti kita tu.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

ada orang yang sanggup menjaga hati kita.
apa sahaja kata kita, diiyakan.
apa sahaja pendapat kita, diterima.
apa sahaja kemahuan kita, dituruti.
namun orang macam ni lah yang kita selalu lukakan hati dia tanpa kita sedar - terutamanya bila kita rasa kita tak perlukan dia.
sampai satu tahap, kita menyampah nak dengar nama dia, apatah lagi nak tengok muka dia.
benci? tak mustahil juga.
dalam menjaga hati orang lain, kita lupa hati dia yang selalu menjaga hati kita.
namun dia tetap tidak berganjak walau seinci, sebab dia rasa/tahu satu hari nanti, dia harus bersedia untuk menjadi last-option-comfort-pillow bila mana tak ada orang lain lagi yang akan berada di sisi kita - sungguhpun hati dia dah penuh parut, luka-luka dan darah akibat perbuatan kita, hanya mampu untuk makan hati seorang diri tanpa ada tempat untuk dia pergi.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

kita rasa diri kita tak dihargai.
kita rasa diri kita tak disayangi.
namun dia ada disitu, sungguhpun dia tidak pernah memberi tahu apa harga kita pada dia, kita adalah segala-galanya pada dia.
hanya disebabkan dia tidak mahu kita berubah hati kepadanya, dia pilih untuk tidak cakap secara terus, sebaliknya dia lakukan sahaja dengan harapan kita akan nampak suatu hari nanti. sebab dia bukan jenis yang hanya pandai cakap, tapi tak buat.

kadang-kadang kita lupa;

dia selalu letakkan kita pada senarai keutamaan yang paling atas.
kita selalu ketepikan dia pada senarai yang paling bawah.
dia selalu buat kita rasa yang kita ni istimewa, kita adalah sesuatu, adalah seseorang.
kita dilayan bagaikan raja, dan kita juga cuba untuk memberi layanan yang sama.
namun kita mudah lupa, apa bila hidup kembali lapang,
dia hanyalah seorang yang biasa pada kita.
kita layan dia macam biasa.


suatu masa nanti, kita akan terasa kosong bila kita kehilangan dia. mungkin, kita akan menyesal dengan diri sendiri. terlambat? sendiri fikir.


kadang-kadang kita ni lupa;

yang dunia ni bergerak dalam bola bernama Karma.
dan seperti yang selalu kita dengar: "Karma comes in double".
kita lupa, yang kita pada suatu hari nanti akan melalui benda yang sama.
cuma bezanya, dia akan sentiasa perhati diri kita dari jauh,
menunggu kita untuk kembali mencari dirinya yang kita sendiri pun ingat-ingat lupa.

dan percayalah, karma tu memang tak best. sakit doh.

kenapa?

sebab aku sedang melalui Karma Codes tersebut.

Macam cilake. Serius. Padan muka kau Moe.




Sila pakai tali pinggang keledar, anda mampu mengubahnya.

diluted.

what-the-hell-did-i-do-to-deserve-all-of-this?

I'm grinning.

I took this strip from their official myspace. I find it very cute. (Click for a bigger resolution if you can't read a bloody thing.)

OOOoooOOOoohhhh!

There was once a close friend of mine asked me, it went sort of like this:

"Kau ni manjang aku call tido je eh? Payah betul nak dapat. Cuba kurangkan sikit tido tu".

Little did he know that most of the time he got me on the line was THE only time I got a chance to lay myself down, perhaps for a decent power nap - not even close to a perfect 6 hours sleep. And most of the time, I had to cut myself off from the slumberland back to reality. And forced to stay awake for the rest 20 hours and so.

Crrrrap.

I am, indeed, lack of sleep these days.


.....
Oh fuck. I need my morning coffee. Big, shiny pint of hot kopi-o, fuck the small cups.


And whole lotta Meshuggah to keep me awake for the rest of the day. Not Sigur Ros nor Godspeed! You Black Emperor, please.

beetchslap.

once, somebody came and asked me, "excuse me, can you speak malay?"


......
how i wish i cud nicely tell her without having an urge to yell, "no i bloody can't. Imma Fijian. I came all the way from an island called Viti Levu, and i used to dance without having my shoes on."



and now, i'm craving for a currypuff.

tolong lah.

this feeling,

this slight feeling that i had for you, is like a cancer.



only time will tell when will i perish.






dah dah poie buek kojo.

Life ain't that easy, honey. :)

Oh summer life, oh summer life,
crawling with these worms,
you're afraid of all their germs.

Oh bask in life, oh bask in life,
the weather gonna swallow you into the great divide.

Oh enjoy life,
oh enjoy life, climbing up those trees and breaking all your knees.

Watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon.
I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.

So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.

Now autumn brings the beautiful things, where all you give
comes back to you like the crown upon my king.

Your life's a song,
so sing along before the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn.

Watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon,
I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.

So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.
It's friends that leave you here in the end,
so hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive.

Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming "Bury us," they said, while panicking,
my mind was broken.

-----------------

Life IS beautiful.

ini memang tak boleh blah.

tiap2 pagi aku bangun, aku tak boleh hilangkan rasa ni.

rasa yang membuatkan aku nak berada dengan kau setiap masa.
rasa yang membuatkan aku akan sentiasa ke sisi kau walau macam mana.
rasa yang membuatkan aku dekat dengan kau, walau jauh mana.

gile ke apa aku ni?
mungkin.

aku cuma mahu kau.

short stuff.

a friend of mine asked me when we were lepaking with few of my fellas ex-schoolmates one night.

"weh moe, ko bila nak ada awek ni moeeeeee? lama gile aku tgk status ko single ni."




dude, how am i supposed to be in love when i ALREADY am?




of that, i hate you Juliet Simms.

"kau tau apa pasal sound?"

hmmm. it never hit me, sampai satu hari ada brader tanya aku.

well, to tell the truth, aku pun tak tahu setakat mana pemahaman aku. as i dont have any legit certificate with my name nicely written on it, with fancy signatures and colours saying that i've passed a degree in sound engineering course.

of course, to break the whole picture down to the least particle, i must say, my fascination towards music has grown ever since i was a kid - like any other kids. bezanya, i spent my foundation years, without having much friends to hangout with, even tho i grew up in a kampung. well, so called kampung.

of that, i used to spend my time imagining and observing things on my own.

there was a time, aku igt lagi, masa tu somewhere between 5-6 years old. there were three cassette - Pearl Jam "Ten", Metallica "Black", Nirvana "Nevermind" - tiga keset yang selalu aku putar berulang kali, time abang aku pegi sekolah. and he used to have this whole drawers filled with cassette - Bauhaus, Misfits, The Cure, Alice In Chain.. just to name a few. Banyak sangat.

Ever since - apart of drawing pictures and cartoons as a hobby - music is one of the biggest passion i ever had.

And ever since i got my hands on guitars, minat aku terhadap sound theories and recordings makin mendalam. sampaikan satu tahap, aku dengar lagu, automatik kepala otak aku mcm boleh derive satu persatu detail bunyi trek-trek lagu tu. dari situ, aku belajar kenal apa tu pedal distortion, apa tu delay pedal.. apsal bunyi dia mcm katak, macam baby menangis, etc etc.

There was this one guy aku kenal thru MySpace, Erylasia. Mamat Terengganu yang tak pernah tak balas setiap msg aku, whenever i came and ask about things related to sounds. Dia yang banyak bagi aku hints and workarounds to do basic recording stuffs - with just using a converter jack and your basic/default soundcard.

Aku igt lagi.. PC cabuk paling old skool. Zaman Pentium III baru keluar, aku ada PC Intel Celeron. First music software aku guna, Cakewalk Pro Edition. Messing around with MIDI and stuffs. I did my first try-and-error drawing guides for "Sunday Morning" (yeah, that Maroon 5 single) with just using basic MIDI drums and keyboard mapping. Bangga jugak la sorang2 depan PC kembang hidung.

somewhere around 2006, aku mula kenal dengan Abg Rom. dari situ musical view aku makin luas. i must say, at that time, twas my total downfall. the only thing that saved me from getting myself too fucked up was this fascinations, something yang distract minat aku towards positive thing.

There came this dude named Mijie yang banyak mengajar aku tentang the actual facts of sounds and recordings, apart form Abg Rom. A messed up guy, but with loadsa knowledge yang aku rasa ramai tak tahu, Sebab dia ni jenis yang rajin mengkaji sesuatu, and will not stop until he reaches his goal - such a pretty rare quality.

Of course, sound recordings aren't a low-cost budget investment - especially for those yang taraf hidupnya sederhana. Monitor speakers (which is NOT the same as your Sonic Gear or Logitech orEView woofers), DAWs and hardwares, compressors, mics, preamps, mixers, headphones,.. and thats just few! Not to mention the room itself, kalau bilik boomy, you wont get a proper balanced sound.

And mind you, it's a mind-twisting job. A proper understanding on inputs and outputs, even the location of the mics - everything links to one another. Most importantly, common sense. I'm not going to elaborate on the mixing phase, that's just too depressing.

For most bands or musicians, nothing could satisfy them other than having a good sounding materials to present to the listener. Bila nak cerita bab sound yang best, ultimately perkara akan berbalik kepada satu bende - TONE. dari apa yang aku kumpul selama beberapa tahun bekerja dengan industry music, berkampung ngn musician, itulah bende yang mereka pentingkan.

and of course, kalau nak cakap pasal tone, dari sekecil2 benda yang kau tak sangka seperti tone jari dan jenis finishing gitar sampai lah mastering - semua bende mainkan peranan. mcmana kau nak petik taknak bunyi pasir, tali saiz apa paling cun nak solo macam SRV, kabel apa yang boleh kurangkan noise, mcmana nak set EQ, banyak mana nak taruk gain overdrive, jenis amp apa paling best nak main metal, speaker apa paling cun untuk cabinet, tube apa paling bagus untuk head, miking techniques, mixing, compressing.. memang tak habis. nak cerita pasal gitar je, nak kena derive satu persatu part, dari hujung tuner peg, sampai ke pangkal bridge, semua amik kira.

itu gitar tau? belum dram. dan bende lain. haha.

and as what my father always told me, lagi banyak kita belajar, lagi banyak kebodohan kita yang kita tau.

so bila orang datang dan tanya aku, "macam mana eh nak dapat bunyi macam Fall Out Boy? aku igt nak buat bunyi mcm tu la".



aku hanya mampu senyum.




KAU IGT SENANG? HAHAHAHA. err, unless kalau pakai digital plugins yang dah siap 1000 presets. wah.

dan kalau kau ada studio equipments mcm Opera Music kepunyaan Mark Hoppus Blink182, setidak-tidaknya.

Exception.

Pagi ni aku bangun lambat lagi. Mungkin sebab Iddin masih lagi tak igt pesan aku semalam (or mungkin aku tak cakap dalam frekuensi yang cukup kuat untuk didengari), jgn blast speaker dia tgk movie sebab nanti aku takleh dgr alarm. Takper lah. He's a nice guy. Takde hal la. Aku pun jenis susah dgr alarm. Orang call 13 kali pun lum tentu aku pickup.

Pagi ni, aku tengok cermin lagi.

Rupa miserable aku, yang tido lebih 12 jam dari petang semalam. Rupa yang hampir sama setiap hari.

(not to forget the fucked up coughing that ends with a tremendous puke. thanks to the excessive amount of Marlboro Menthol Black yang makin lama makin kerap kat tangan)

Rupa yang paling pathetic. As if minta simpati dengan diri sendiri.

Simpati apa lagi moe? Nak harap orang datang dan tanya kau, "Moe, ko okay ke?" "Moe, is there anything that bothers you?" "What's on your mind, Moe?"

Atau ko nak orang datang dan pamper kau, as if ko ni everything to them?

Aku pun tak tahu. Kalau aku cakap ye, that wud made me the biggest selfish asshole ever lived. Kalau aku cakap tak.. entahla. Memang takde pun org akan tanya.


Teruk kan pagi2 buta bangun terus fikir bende2 mcm ni?


Basuh muka.
Berus gigi.
Batuk lagi.
Bersin sekali.
Stop, tengok cermin.
Batuk lagi.
Ludah - wah, ada merah lagi.
Mandi macam biasa.

Setel.


Hari ni aku tak pasang apa2 kat radio. Aku bukak tingkap. Enjoying my 6am not-so-rush drive to office, even tho lambat gile dah kot.

Sampai sekarang, lagu The Only Exception dendangan kugiran Paramore masih terngiang2 dekat telinga. 2 hari dah. Asik dok putar dari awal shift, sampai abis.

Mungkin lagu tu biasa je buat orang. Cheesy love song, kata kawan aku. Yep, indeed. Even with the fact Paramore memang jarang buat love song.


But it made me think, whilst having this sandstorm sweeping each and every corner on your mind, you're hoping for a magic.


An exception to every contrary thought and figure.

Yes, there is, definitely. And im fighting for it. Even tho it is indeed a losing battle.


"Kau takkan sedar yang sebenarnya ada orang sayang kau, at least one person, yang sanggup mati untuk kau. Mungkin kau akan sedar, bila dia dah mati atau dah takde."


U're right, pal. Absolutely. And thank you for that lame-but-true statement.

And as what Hayley sang on the song stated above,

"and up until now i had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness;
because none of it was ever worth the risk".




Well, you are the only exception.

Hmm, dah sampai opis. Okay. Let's go to work.