Tuesday, November 22, 2011
forced me to grit my teeth.
Feeling disgusted over unfinished sentences
that used to be an infinite vortex
flowing over me like a river,
and drowned me in;
healing antidotes for infections in me
over faces, space, and time.
I am now numb. Exposed. In a fucking open season.
Good to go.
Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, uncl..
With the tip of my finger
I began to draw an imaginary star on the surface
of a white wall.
Slow and intense.
One onto another,
until the whole constellation connected.
The whole fucking cycle.
And for a second,
I am glorified
by my own shadow at the very same time.
Staring back at me.
At the present moment, I am a second rate me in my past.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The world that is paved with cracks and droughts
and deserts on the surface, with few little oases.
The world that is oftenly mistaken as paradise,
a shelter for broken souls,
a fair for uncherished minds,
and those who have lost their way home.
A world that people come and go,
with marks and footprints left behind, waiting to fade in time.
A world that needs to be saved, rather than a saving grace.
Monday, October 10, 2011
that stains the fabric of the heart.
A heart that once loved and loving back
on the same tempo
of two heartbeats, beating for one another.
Pins and needles.
Pins and needles.
I counted the streetlights
of every pole that passed by the window
on every lonesome night drive,
cruising as the heartache lurks on every
freeway on my mind.
Every stray of light,
that reminded me of being an undeserving soul each time,
so unworthy to even ache from missing a free dove that flew away,
and will not come back.
Because if "you deserve so much better" is how it supposed to be when
every time I thought that I have already found
the missing pieces I've been looking for,
I might as well
don't deserve anything.
And if freedom is the thought,
when the reality is shackled tightly onto the ground,
freedom is somehow too good to be true.
Because while to the contrary of happiness, is impermanent, it is also certain.
And certainty never lies,
And to deny certainty,
On this very day,
this very day,
I wrote your name with
every drip of blood
that runs through my veins
as the ink
- for every unrequited hope,
that will never come true -
before I mimicked the honesty
with thousands of counterfeit expressions,
to bury the excruciating pain.
Don't you know that
underneath the facade,
of these thick layers of smiling masks,
there's a face that's bruised and full of scars,
and severed hopes,
and broken dreams,
that misses you?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
while I was walking down a park.
Torn and tattered, unable to fly.
So I brought her home.
Nurtured her. Fed her. Wrapped bandages around her wings and legs.
For once, my home was never empty.
And I always had the urgency to go home sooner
every time I went for a walk,
For I had no longer felt like I was in need of a longer walk no more.
I took a good care of her every day,
sometimes too much.
That I kind of felt like she was,
trying to prove that, it is somehow strangling her,
for not being able to fly,
even though I never intended to put her in a cage. Not at all.
And one day,
I went for a longer walk.
Long enough that I somehow had forgotten to feed her.
And when I came back,
she was lying on the floor,
gasping for air.
So I did my best to revive her
though I did know what I was doing.
Somehow she was able
to recover a little bit,
by a shed of light that came through the window.
Long I pondered,
before having a thought of
opening up the window,
and letting her fly in the open sky.
Because I know, one day she will fly back safely to home.
wherever it may be.
And I will never ever regret,
albeit the fact that I am hurting
wondering what had happened;
not a single day that I did not mourn.
Not a single day that I did not went for a walk.
Not a single day that I did not bleed every time I breathe.
Because she had left me a feather by the window,
that will somehow shine as a relic
to remind me everyday of the moment we had,
And to give me strength to smile,
That she has flown, to find a sanctuary.
I will be patiently looking at the skies and in between the pleasant clouds,
Looking for a sign.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
that no longer strangles,
but instead holds me firmly
to fortify and thickening my skin.
And numbs me to the bone.
I have learned,
that to love, is more than just to hate;
you need to relearn on how to love everything that has happened, and to let it go.
Because, to love someone,
is not to bail away,
but to stay,
not for the soul that used to wrap your skin like a duvet,
but to stand, and take the chance to embrace the empty air with an open arms.
I have learned that,
to holster the sword before a battle begin, does not mean a defeat.
To yield the shield, does not mean that you're hopeless.
I have learned that,
the best defense is to strip down and bring yourself to your weakness,
and learn to feel the strength that comes from within.
Because glory is always within those who are patient.
I have loved, truly loved a free spirit,
but you can never expect to have it revolve around you,
because every second,
somehow holds the chance of it slipping away.
I have loved a broken winged bird,
and I had bring her back to life,
even for just few months,
and I know, there will be a day,
when it will somehow spread its wings and fly away.
I have loved a shape of cloud in the sky,
a cloud, so beautiful, so tender and
But its a matter of time when the wind would blow it away.
I have withstood the lightnings, and I have survived a hurricane,
That has stripped me completely.
And I got nothing left to hold on to.
But I know, at least I got nothing to clench.
So I stay, with a smile on my face.
And I choose to live, for always.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
And I guess you guys can now understand how much I love this woman, as well as how much she does towards me. :')
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
I'll try not to clutch the steering,
as I drive past through the places we've been fooling around all these time.
I'll try to burst into laughters,
to every jokes and weird things people shoved me, pretending that you're beside laughing frantically as much as I do.
I'll try to breathe as calm as a calf,
though I find it hard to breathe from the amount of cigarettes that helped me to ease the missing moments that keeps suffocating me.
I'll try to enjoy every meal,
though it is just a simple roti cheese and indomee goreng, and pretend that they're the best food in the whole world.
I'll try not to look at the clock
that reminds me of how I wish it could stop even just for a while, before you left. Or not to think about how long do I have to wait for you to meet you again.
I'll try not to smoke too much,
pretending that I'm leaving a decent amount of Winston Light for you later.
I'll try to sleep deeply as I can,
and pretend that this whole waiting thing is just a momentary dream, and I shall see your face when I wake up.
I'll try to smile,
and think about how you would carve your smile back at me the way you always do.
I'll walk in confidence,
and pretend that you're beside me, like you always do.
I'll to be strong for you,
for I know that it will eventually makes you strong, too.
So go on, spread your wings and fly, baby bird.
For I will be here waiting for your return home, while my heart will sing of your name, as always.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
slowly dissolve and disappear
outside my window
into the air, beneath the rays of light
along with those
of people and faces and conversations and names and phone numbers and places and pages
that i long to erase
from these fractions in my head.
i can finally convince myself that i,
had achieved a victory,
a triumphant glory,
a wonderful moment,
a permanent escape from my own circle of suffering.
i did it. i finally did it.
refreshing. alive. mindblowing. wonderful. excited. breathtak.. sigh.
or any other beautiful terms that i can inject as much as possible into my mind.
-because i don't need to.
i am already in a huge, solid fortress of happiness.
i am so happy,
just to find that
a smile, that once i had and lost,
clearly shown in the reflection in your glowing eyes.
i let go of a sigh, that sums a paragraph;
"i don't need to bear any doubt in my chest no more,
that you are, too, feel the same way as i do.
when all i see in your eyes,
i, am, happy.
Friday, January 28, 2011
i possess the power to turn every question
that drives you thousand miles away
without having me to mutter any word to answer them.
i could drown and dissolve in every drop of your tears.
to wash those pains away.
to become a part of your skin,
to cover your feet,
for you to walk along the pebbles of thorns.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
a bastion built on a ground hallowed by showers of blood, miseries, and pain.
full of bricks and rubbled walls.
a place that took countless of battles,
witnessed thousands of killings and cuts.
rained by hundreds of catapults.
i can only provide you with minimum safety; wounded men at arms, cavalries and mercenaries.
marksmen at every watchtower.
with short supplies of food and water.
i do not know of how long these walls can last.
nor to guarantee that this citadel will not be taken at any time.
but to the very least,
i will make sure, that
is always be the best place for your escape.
the garrison for you to hide.
and i will do whatever it takes, to protect you.
i will keep you safe in here,
in my sanctuary.
there are a million ashes
that crash to the sound of a sigh
and a million tears
that sink into deeper, darker places
waiting for shine
there is a place meant
to seal pain away from the world
and attempt to open up pieces of
without feeling the fear of crumbling
because there is no fear
in wishing for a smile
there are a million tender notes
of a familiar tune
and a million shade of light
that can ease through the tangles
of a heavy heart
and bring to it again
a long forgotten shine
a shine meant to live
in a soul like yours
magic is just fantasies for mortals, so they say.
well.. i do not know i do possess the power.
not, until, where i am at a point,
that i have finally witnessed the miracle
so i choose to ignore them. whatever they say.
as i am now,
with a broken wand in my grip,
cracked broken piece of bone.
and with it, i will create you a bolt of light.
tiny, but bright.
filled with colours.
a tiny, bright, colourful light.
to light up your darkened days and tainted soul.
meant to stay,
for million years.
these were the dark ages
and tainted skies
that ripped with screams
of lost eyes
and hurt held captive
but there is always a comfort
to believe in
loosen clenched fists and
a miracle that will paint
beautiful once more
and release all the hope
Sunday, January 2, 2011
from plucking any of these rustic strings, with my numb fingers.
Far from playing three or four chords to make me feel all right.
So I set myself off tonight,
Driving through empty lanes, in the darkness.
Looking for a hand to hold.
Looking for an eye to stare for just five seconds.
A scent. A voice.
Looking for the whole picture.
For an answer to my prayer.
As the road resorts me to an empty crossroad,
As if God has answered me, shown in few directions.
For a moment, I came to a sudden realization, that;
Promises are meant to be broken and can never be kept.
Chances are bound to fail in moments of despair.
Battles are meant to be fought, not to run away from it.
And the truths are always hidden under all those bruises, only to be discovered when we dare to scrap them off, leaving the scars behind.
And by the time I had figured it all out,
The sun has risen again,
revealing the path,
of which road should I take.
But I choose to stay.
As I already have all the answers I need.