Cool Beeaaaans.

I had a weiirrrrrd ass dream last night. Or a nightmare.

As if I was in Half-Life 2. Flying headcrabs, living tablefan, and.. uhm yeah, I even met JD (not Jack Daniel, but Jedidiah) Wong from that band Pop Shuvit, with three eyes. Three fucking eyes, scared the shit out of me. Why JD? I don't know. Even the trees and surroundings were exactly as the game was.

And the coolest part, I went to a drive-thru ATM machine. I never bump into any of them in KL or Malaysia so far (but a colleague of mine told me there's one Stan Chart drive-thru ATM somewhere Lebuh Ampang).

Shit, I am cool.

We need loadsa drive-thru ATMs here in Malaysia, especially in KL. Or in major towns. More.

Think about it. With those stations, we all can save time and perhaps parking space, too.

We have enough fast-food drive thrus all over the country, why can't we invest on something else? Something more useful and beneficial? I think we had enough of shopping malls. We need more ATMs. Car wash booths. And ooh yes, traffic lights. As in, WORKING traffic light.

Man, with these kind of dreams, I think I'll be a good mayor. Cool beans.

Oh yeah. Meanwhile, I got few friends buzzing me about my previous entry. They felt as if they were the SUBJECTS.

Well - as a disclaimer (I think I should post this as a header later) - THIS IS MY PANDORA. My Arcane Sanctuary. And I am the Pandemonium. Pande-MOE-nium, get it? The capital. My fucking world. I got to say what I got to say. I'm having my own stand up session here. And if it's not to your liking, go and kill yourself. Fly a kite. Spank a monkey. Go listen to your tweepop.

"Dude, what's a pandemonium?". Look it up. Or shall I say, Google it up.

I don't care. I iz what I iz.

"Siapa makan cili." Definitely. I got my own list, and if your name's not in it, it's not my baking fault. Blame yourself for being such a douche.

So, be nice to me, I shall be nice to thee.

Oh well, time for lunch.

Om nom nom nom om nom.

Pagi Yang Gelap.. Kini Sudah Terang..

Semalam aku tido kemain lama, sebab malam semalamnya seharian aku tak tido.

Teman kawan aku sebab dia ada banyak benda dalam kepala nak diluahkan. Aku rasa best, sebab aku berjaya untuk ada di situ. Aku memang best pun. Lepas tu (sekitar pukul 5 pagi) aku pergi ofis, kerja. Handal!

Segar gile beb. Macam salad KFC!

Dan at least, hati aku senang, sebab aku buat orang senang (rasanya lah, aku tak tanya).

Hari ni kepala aku bekerja macam data processor, sebab kerja boleh tahan banyak. Tambahan pulak aku nak setel monthly payments aku sehabis mungkin. Hambik kau, gaji besar mana pun, belum tentu kau hidup senang.

Seperti yang selalu aku 'sekolahkan' kawan-kawan aku yang masih stadi (yang kebanyakannya dalam kepala masing-masing 'aku grad dengan degree ni aku leh keja besau leh idup senang'), lagi besar gaji kau, lagi besar tanggungjawab kau.

Juga, ada la kejadian bodoh yang agak bodoh dari lembu. Kesian lembu, sebab orang kata dia bodoh. Cuba tengok watak lembu dalam kartun Rocko's Modern Life. Pandai je.

Okay, berbalik pada topik. *ehem*

Ada jugak la cerita yang kurang senang sampai ke telinga aku. Cerita pasal orang ni tikam orang ni. Mengata belakang. Mengadu domba.

Mengata belakang tu takde hal. Memang semua orang kot buat bende tu. Diulangi, SEMUA ORANG. Tapi mengadu domba?

Oh yea, pada yang tak tahu mengadu domba tu apa (bukan mengadu kat bomba, bodoh), maksudnya ialah perbuatan (ye, bende ni verb) seseorang, atau bahasa bagusnya asshole, yang suka melaga-lagakan dua parti atau lebih. Dahla buat mulut, pastu lagakan orang.

Kau memang champion.

Macam aku, senang je. Sebab aku tahu nak figure orang-orang macam ni. Tak susah. jadi aku tak ambik pusing sangat, bawak nama kau kat orang lain apa suma. Aku lagi senang untuk ignore kau, dari burukkan nama kau.

Karma works better. Bila Encik Karma tumbuk kau kat muka, baru kau rasa.

Aku tau sakit dia, sebab aku penah kena.

Sepanjang hidup aku, banyak sangat orang macam ni. Dan kau tak perlu jadi sebijak Al-Khawarizmi untuk figure bende ni.

Dan persona ni juga merupakan seorang yang takde insurans langsung tutur katanya. Aish. Tak boleh macam tu, beb. Kan waktu kau berhingus masa darjah 4, cikgu kau penat ajar pepatah, "terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata.. sendiri fikir".

Hmm. Aku tak tahu la orang lain, tapi kalau aku senang je. Sebab kalau aku dah mula hilang respek aku terhadap kau, jangan hairan kalau aku layan kau macam biasa. Sebab tak ada apa yang spesel pasal kau. Kau adalah predictable, kata Mamat Salleh.

Sebab tu aku ni memilih kawan sebenarnya. Hanya muka-muka yang aku sayang je aku bagi perhatian lebih. Yang aku tahu luhur hati budinya. Kalau aku tak sayang kau, padan muka.

Kau hip, peduli apa aku? Kau dress up kalah Tokio Hotel, pegi mampus. Collection apparel kau berlambak? So what. Kau rasa kau cool? Aku lagi cool dari kau. Kau anak orang kaya? Duit mak bapak kau, bukan kau.

Mati esok, liang lahad jugak perginya.

Jadi, pada orang yang rasanya dia ada unsur-unsur macam tu, sila neutralkan balik (sebab aku takleh kata suh ko jadi baik, sebab kau memang takkan 100% berubah, so kalau dapat kurangkan sikit level asshole kau pun jadi la) perangai buruk kau.

Jadi macam game The Sims, level keyakinan aku hijau balik la skit.

Tengok, baik kan aku?

Okay lah, aku nak buat kerja.

23 Years.

Man.

I am 23 years old now. Or say, approximately at 7.45pm later (GMT +8), I will be.

Wow. 23 years of adventure. The rants. Raves. Thicks. Thins. Ups. Downs. Reigns and fallouts. Failed attempts and triumphs.

Yeah, I know, I'm not that old for some of you. Perhaps, it's just the beginning. Of what, I iz the don the very very sure.

When I was a kid, I used to think that magic is real. Tho I had never single-handedly experienced it till now, I was convinced by my own subliminal me, that it does exist. Someday, somehow.

Of course, at one point, you gave up. The walls starts to shrink you in. You're cornered. Trapped within your own square.

Fuck magic. Fuck happiness. Fuck life. Fuck love. Fuck everything.

GROW THE FUCK UP.

Well, yes. For some reason, epiphany is the only answer. The only salvation. The greatest gift from God, ever.

You waste your life for unforseen things. You waste your time and effort trying to convince a person of how much you love her. Where in the end, which is certain as death, that you'll end up nothing. You make mistakes. You REPEAT mistakes. You please others instead of yourself.

"Pukimakkkk. So what is left for me thennnnnnn??"


I've learnt thru pain and flames, that the true happiness comes from you yourself, within you, not from the others. The real magic, is actually you.

It does exist, people. Eureka.

And in time, you'll learn on how to shut yourself. To avoid things. To say "No thanks, go wipe yourself". To resist temptations. To be an asshole for once. To say "FUCK YOU" to the people who wants you to be their comfort pillow when they have no one at one point, pointing you as their main source of hope, you pick them up when eventually will leave you hanging and downgraded when they're all up and surrounded by everyone.

Ohh yess, I happened to bump into these people A LOT in my whole life.

And in time, you'll learn on how to appreciate people who actually deserve your attention.

Yes, appreciation. That's the only thing you need in life, man. And money. Lots of money.

Jon Foreman told me once, "Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell".

Ah well.

I am still standing today. I've emerged from failures. I'm yet to be successful, but I'm pretty sure that one day I will be.

Because I am fucking cool and awesome. And kind. Handful. A fucking tool for everyone. Very, very effective.

Told you, I am emo. Ha-fucking-ha.

This is yet to be the greatest birthday epiphany I ever had.



For those people out there who had their wishes on my walls, I fucking love you guys. With all my heart.

Fuck, I felt loved for once.

:)

Winning Is Just Bad As Losing.

It's Friday morning, again.

For some reason, I love nightmares.

Flying Spaghetti Monsters, flying heads, drowned, getting lost in labyrinths, centaurs, Spongebob, you, earthquakes, you, myself, you.. etc, etc.

Cuz with nightmares, I won't be sleeping for long. And perhaps with a sudden wake up, I feel fresh.

I'm about to kick some ass today. Kill birds with two stones. Break some legs. Or whatever.

Man, I love Friday. Whoa. Can't wait till weekend.


For now, I'm going for a breakfast. Stay sic, muthafackas.

Aku Lapar Gila Ni.

To begin with, I am kinda sick of everything that involves emotion. I can cry this out synonymously with emotion sickness. Like Silverchair's. But I just can't help it.

That's uhm.. well..

Ok ok. Back to the story.

So, yesterday, a friend of mine called me while I was about to venture myself to Neverland.

Well, technically I asked her to call me back after she sent me a text, "I need a shoulder to cry on".

Kimak, wa takde credit sangat. So I replied. "Call me".

Then, on and on we talked. Of course, mainly about her new relationship with a guy, which also happened to be one of my great friends.

The thing about her, isn't actually that twisted. She just got confused. Or moreover, she confused herself. Wondering whether the guy's really fell for her. Etc. Etc.

"MoOOOooeeee.. I'm confuseddddddddd. Is he really sincereeeeeeeeeee. I dunno what to doooooooooo", she said.

Bah.


To tell you the truth, I don't fucking know hun. In fact, no one knows. Even his closest friends. How the fuck should I know?

Yep, that guy, as far as I knew, is the nicest guy ever. He even helped me thru my hard phases several times. And speaking from a guy's perspective, I shall say, he is, indeed a semi angel. But relationship-wise? I can't tell.

But judging from the efforts he made, and the way he expressed himself (yep, I was 'forced' to read few of their messages and shit), he is, at least, trying to be one. And he's doing his best at it. He made so much effort for this girl, so much, just to convince her that he does, indeed, fell for her.


And still, she got all confused. Or moreover, doubtful.

See, that's the thing I don't understand about girls. Well, not all of them, but mostly. I can browse thru my records, and trust me, it is.

They always fell on the wrong side of the grass. Always trying to look out for a greener plain. Glitters, blinding lights on the other side of the fence. And keep on wondering why they'll end up choosing the wrong guy that turns out to be a dickless prick.

I've been there. By there, I mean THE guy.

I would pull off anything just to make this one particular girl happy, with the fact that I know, in the end, that all my efforts worth nothing. I won't gain anything. I won't get anything out of it.

Same goes with this guy. He did quite a lot tho, for this girl.

Well, DO-ers always get this. Because they do not know how to say things, unlike the SAY-ers. They don't know how to explain things. They don't do sweet talks and shit. They don't say, they do. Because, they believe, that in the end, effort wins over empty talks.

And it takes one simple thing that can kill all those hard-ass efforts in one shot - DOUBT. As in, after all he has been through, you stab him with, "I'm not sure, I just can't see it". Niceeeeee.

Another thing that really, really annoys me is the keyword 'insecurity'. Like this minah.

She kept wondering what if the relationship will stumble. What if this. What if that. If so, you might as well pull off. Don't do it.

Life is all about taking risks. And to indulge the risks.

"Awwhhh.. what happen if we fail? What happen if we this, if we that, yada yada yada? What will happen next?"

I do know a couple that has been married for DECADES, and in the end, they failed. That shows how impermanent thing is. That includes what you called love. And if you're still dipping your toes, still wondering whether you'd drown before you jump into the pond, stop it. Fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck everything. Why bother trying when you know that in the end, you'll end up standing in the middle of nowhere?

But yet, we keep on trying, do we?

Or else we might just as well let love dies. Oh you know better when love and respect extinct. Humanity will cease. We shall bring forth the destruction towards this dying world even faster. We might as well start killing each other. Because you cannot trust anyone.

Okay, I'm going too far I guess.

But.. yeah.. my point is, get it sorted out or die trying. OR ELSE, stay the fuck out of it and don't even think about it. At all.

So, girls, please be careful. You might lose a possibly great guy. And end up being with a dickhead for the rest of your life.

OR ELSE, I repeat, stay the fuck out of it and don't even think about it.




What a lousy crying shoulder I am. And gee, that was fast. Aku lapar gila ni.

Red Alert. Red Alert.

Here I am, back on early morning shift.

Well, I might be going back to night during fasting month.

Either way, as long as I can get myself home early without too much hassle from the traffic, that would be fan-fucking-tastic, save the parking space issues, fuel consumption, and the lateness caused by the heavy traffic.

Unsure of the reason, I had insomnia for the past few days.

Man I fucking hate insomnia. At least for now. Even though I jam a song about it on almost every week with me bandmates.

Because insomnia eventually will lead me to drift myself in unwanted thoughts. Especially this particular week. I am trying my best not to succumb to it, and as far as I'm concerned, insomnia is a major jeopardy.

Red alert. Red alert. Cannot be. Cannot be.

Sigh. Whatthefuck. Fuckmylife. Bigfuckingdeal. Whogivesabloodyshit. Et-fucking-cetera.



*Shrug* Well, lets get back to work, shall we?

Ice Breaking Sucka

Just downed two cups of sugar+double shots of cream+nescafe.

I feel great.

In fact, I feel awesome.

Like, a fucking Mongolian warlock with a vulture on my shoulder, with cool leather vests and swords and blades, standing before the great Mongolian steppe.

And guess what? I haven't slept since yesterday. Yep, it's fucking rhetorical.

With 271++ pending tickets on the queue, I'm crunching numbers today. YEARGH! I'm on fireeeeeeee!!


Awesome balls.


Oh, good morning to all of you beautiful people out there.