Senseless.

There's an excruciating pain in my gums
forced me to grit my teeth.

Feeling disgusted over unfinished sentences
that used to be an infinite vortex
flowing over me like a river,
and drowned me in;
healing antidotes for infections in me
over faces, space, and time.

I am now numb. Exposed. In a fucking open season.

Good to go.

Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, unclenched. Clench, uncl..

With the tip of my finger
I began to draw an imaginary star on the surface
of a white wall.
Slow and intense.
One onto another,
until the whole constellation connected.
The whole fucking cycle.

And for a second,
I am glorified
and humiliated
by my own shadow at the very same time.
Staring back at me.

At the present moment, I am a second rate me in my past.

Save Me

I am the world.

The world that is paved with cracks and droughts
and deserts on the surface, with few little oases.

The world that is oftenly mistaken as paradise,
a shelter for broken souls,
a fair for uncherished minds,
and those who have lost their way home.

A world that people come and go,
with marks and footprints left behind, waiting to fade in time.

A world that needs to be saved, rather than a saving grace.

Halo

I know of a pain
that stains the fabric of the heart.
A heart that once loved and loving back
on the same tempo
of two heartbeats, beating for one another.

Pins and needles.
Pins and needles.
Pins
and
fucking
needles.

I counted the streetlights
of every pole that passed by the window
on every lonesome night drive,
cruising as the heartache lurks on every
freeway on my mind.

Every stray of light,
that reminded me of being an undeserving soul each time,
so unworthy to even ache from missing a free dove that flew away,
and will not come back.

Because if "you deserve so much better" is how it supposed to be when
every time I thought that I have already found
the missing pieces I've been looking for,

I might as well
don't deserve anything.

And if freedom is the thought,
when the reality is shackled tightly onto the ground,

freedom is somehow too good to be true.

Because while to the contrary of happiness, is impermanent, it is also certain.
And certainty never lies,
like pictures.

And to deny certainty,
is suicidal.

On this very day,
this very day,
this
very
day,
I wrote your name with
every drip of blood
that runs through my veins
as the ink
- for every unrequited hope,
that will never come true -
before I mimicked the honesty
with thousands of counterfeit expressions,
to bury the excruciating pain.

Don't you know that
underneath the facade,
of these thick layers of smiling masks,
there's a face that's bruised and full of scars,
and severed hopes,
and broken dreams,
that misses you?

Exhale

I may read a book

from a different page

and being different from everyone else.

But I can still summarize the whole book,

because at the end of the day

the whole story is still the same

when you've read every page.

And I choose to silence myself,

over words that slips

through the rubbles in me

- not because of I am afraid, nor scarred, nor torn, nor tattered, nor not appreciating.

But solely because I don't need to justify anything.

I never in fact had anything to justify.

And for the reason of my words are worthless, as always.

On which I rely on my actions and deeds that speakes for the whole of my situation

and it's up to the world to judge - where at the very end, truth prevails.

I don't need the clovers of rainbows,

to cleanse up the fog in me - because everything is temporary

and far from the harshness of assumptions

that I am seeking answers

from the dusts of white ponies and blue buttons.

Because I don't need answers to questions that turn out to be rhetorical.

And to be mistaken that I never acknowledged,

and never will, the beauty

of memories that will always glow through our darkest moments

is far more hurting from the damage done.

Because no matter how stark the reality is,

underneath the bitter tastes

of burnt Winston Lights on the surface on my lips everytime,

I can still find the sweetness of the memories

and facts that was buried under,

that you never know.

I am still

the same person

that reflects

in your mirror.

16th.

It was 12am, and the phone beeped out of the cold air in the night.

I took a glance at the notification popped out,

and for awhile, my heart stopped.

For awhile I haven't thought that this date

can be embedded

deep inside the core of my bruised and

scarred mind

a date that oddly enough,

would strech an unnoticable tilt of smile

onto my face.

As a slow, cold breeze blew

My clusters of memory seemed to shuffle in between them

Like a picture album

that holds firmly

our haven

our moments

our hope

our eternity.

So I seized the chance,

and stood by the wind,

to feel it twirling around my fingers

while whispering my feeling of missing you.

Missing the moments missing doing the popping sound missing your poking teeth your moles your hysterical laughter your grin your tattoos your scent your cruel sense of humor your bright eyes your soft hands your slender neck your hair your necklace your favorite sleeping position your grips your fear of cockaroaches your trembles towards moths your wide yawn your footprints on the car windshield your voicenotes of nagging and moaning your wide smile and sparks in your eyes when you wake up your everything

your never ending beauty.

And missing the moments of being the person who would

whisper

you

peace

when

you

shed

your

tears

in

grief

while

clenching

onto my body

and being the

healing

hand

on

your

rib.

The immortal flame of memories that can never be extinguished.

On this day,

this very day,

I begged the wind to wrap you and make you feel safe

and asked the flickering stars to watch over you.

While I will be here,

in my very own special way,

missing you.

The Unmovable

I had a dream,

that an old man came to me, and told me,

that I am indeed an unmovable mountain.

He told me that I am a hypocrite;

as shook me badly and grunt,

and screamed at me,

telling me all of my flaws in a list,

and my weaknesses.

At the very end of it, he said.

"You never ran away. So do not pretend".

And I woke up, to the sound of my alarm,

cold yet sweaty.

I took sometime to think,

but I guess, I have to take that into my account of subconciousness.

In fact, he's right in every way.

I never actually run away from problems.

I never took a turn and turn my back against anything.

I'd make up

words

and

phrases

to tell the world "I am alright",

whilst they were all a cover up mask of a frowning face, gritting teeths, a broken soul that's trying to hold onto whatever he has.

And I beg my heart to have mercy

on my shattered and scarred soul.

In seconds, I took a breath,

and made peace with the morning sunlight and breeze on the window.

Because somehow, I know,

I am already shackled by my wits and guts to the earth,

that would not move me,

because I am me.

And to wonder why,

I always know that somehow,

I can never run away.

I will not, ever, run away.

From you.

I will always be here discreetly

under the wide sky

with widely opened arms,

in case

if you need a soft plain to land,

if one day somehow your wings

will be broken again.

I am here to stay.

Dreams

People say,

that in the realms of dream,

everything is possible.

I once dreamed of having the power to walk on the water,

and fought a Leviathan.

And drowned at the end of it.

I once dreamed the very impossible thing a year ago,

almost every day.

And some of it happened.

And it was beautiful.

But as always, dreams are never made to last.

And to wake up,

cold and wet by the bed,

into the reality

- bearing unbearable pain

and

gasping for air in my chest;

I know now that every clenched fingers of mine

gripping the bedsheet

telling me to hold on to it.

Telling me that it is okay to have a little hope inside you

- that things will go back as the way it is,

or it will bloom into something more beautiful in the future.

But also at the very same time, to embrace the momentary peace and to raise your foot one another and keep on walking.

Because nothing is permanent in this ever changing world.

And the future,

is always changing.

A blow of wind may halt a snail on its slow journey, but never bend its will to resume its path.

I am no Moses.

I don't have the power to divide a sea

and to walk through it.

But somehow, I will swim.

Until it drowns me at the end of reality.

Between The Clouds

I found a bird one day,
while I was walking down a park.

Torn and tattered, unable to fly.
Barely breathing.

So I brought her home.
Nurtured her. Fed her. Wrapped bandages around her wings and legs.

For once, my home was never empty.
And I always had the urgency to go home sooner
every time I went for a walk,
For I had no longer felt like I was in need of a longer walk no more.

I took a good care of her every day,
sometimes too much.
That I kind of felt like she was,
trying to prove that, it is somehow strangling her,
and suffocating,
for not being able to fly,

even though I never intended to put her in a cage. Not at all.

And one day,
I went for a longer walk.

Long enough that I somehow had forgotten to feed her.

And when I came back,
she was lying on the floor,
gasping for air.

So I did my best to revive her
though I did know what I was doing.
Somehow she was able
to recover a little bit,
by a shed of light that came through the window.

Long I pondered,
before having a thought of
opening up the window,

and letting her fly in the open sky.

Because I know, one day she will fly back safely to home.

Home,
wherever it may be.

And I will never ever regret,

albeit the fact that I am hurting
wondering what had happened;
not a single day that I did not mourn.
Not a single day that I did not went for a walk.
Not a single day that I did not bleed every time I breathe.

Because she had left me a feather by the window,
that will somehow shine as a relic
to remind me everyday of the moment we had,
was real.

And to give me strength to smile,
to think
That she has flown, to find a sanctuary.

I will be patiently looking at the skies and in between the pleasant clouds,
everyday.

Looking for a sign.

Yielding A Love.

I bear so many scars underneath my skin,
that no longer strangles,
but instead holds me firmly
to fortify and thickening my skin.

And numbs me to the bone.

I have learned,
that to love, is more than just to hate;

you need to relearn on how to love everything that has happened, and to let it go.

Because, to love someone,
is not to bail away,
but to stay,
not for the soul that used to wrap your skin like a duvet,
but to stand, and take the chance to embrace the empty air with an open arms.

I have learned that,
to holster the sword before a battle begin, does not mean a defeat.
To yield the shield, does not mean that you're hopeless.
I have learned that,
the best defense is to strip down and bring yourself to your weakness,
and learn to feel the strength that comes from within.

Because glory is always within those who are patient.

I have loved, truly loved a free spirit,
but you can never expect to have it revolve around you,
because every second,
somehow holds the chance of it slipping away.

I have loved a broken winged bird,
and I had bring her back to life,
even for just few months,
and I know, there will be a day,
when it will somehow spread its wings and fly away.

I have loved a shape of cloud in the sky,
a cloud, so beautiful, so tender and
pleasant.
But its a matter of time when the wind would blow it away.

I have withstood the lightnings, and I have survived a hurricane,
That has stripped me completely.
And I got nothing left to hold on to.
But I know, at least I got nothing to clench.



So I stay, with a smile on my face.
And I choose to live, for always.

24.

Yesterday, twas the greatest day in my life, that can never be described in words.

I got approximately 241 birthday wishes on my Facebook walls.

Countless smses and BBMs.

Countless tweets.

Countless phonecalls.

From people that has been close to me to the people that I had never spoken to them, for a very, very long time.

It was quite a fragile moment, when I had my, so to speak, my actual birthday cake that has my name on it.

By far (well, actually I had one last year, but it was like 'sort of' birthday cake that I had to share, even that was accidental that I was there. And Dela bought me few slices of cakes that happen to be my first non official one. Love you Dels!)

But yes, yesterday might be the best day of my life, despite all the hiccups that I have been getting along this year.

I had the best present ever, by my beloved Celine. A box filled with pictures, keychains, tops, a koala, a frame, and so many things in it.

And I had this SD Memory Stick, which contains two videos that made me teary.

Words can never describe how indebtful I am to these people. And you guys, are just, the most amazing people that I've ever met in my entire life.

And I guess you guys can now understand how much I love this woman, as well as how much she does towards me. :')

Thank you Bummy, for everything. :) I love you.

The Truth.

Faith is a subjective matter.

For over 6 billion population in the world, faith is sacred, even to those who considered themselves as agnostics and atheists.

As for me, a mere Muslim, I have my own faith, and like any other people who dare to take up so many challenges in his life, I have been jumping off so many cliffs with leaps of faith and yet, I am still standing. Figuratively, of course.

Because I know, I am weak, no matter how I confide that I am strong in taking up challenges day by day.

But sometimes, there was a time when I began to ask myself, or more towards re-convince myself that why am I being a Muslim. Is it just because I am born as one, or actually I have understood of why I am one. And to be honest, its not that hard to figure everything out, once I began to understand that the truth, is actually not hard to look for. You just need to open up your eyes, and look around, and ask yourself, are you going to let people feed you the 'truth', or are you going to find it yourself. And once, when you're content that you have all the answer you need, you choose.

And I choose to believe. I choose to submit. I choose to pray. I choose to be a good person. I choose to give RM1 to a beggar. I choose to go to the mosque to pray. I choose not to hurt someone's feeling, intentionally or unintentionally.

I do too, however, choose to do bad things. And to feel, or not too feel guilty about it.

But that's the fact of life that you've got to embrace, no matter how you deny it.

Everything, or every step you choose, absolutely on your own choice.

It's like the sixth foundation of Muslim's faith: The Qada' & The Qadr. There are things that God already planned out for you - all is as God wills it - which is of the Qada'. But even that, He gave you the freedom to determine your life, your own destiny to choose, may it be bad or good, and that's Qadr.

And I choose to do good things, because as much as Buddhists, we Muslims also believe in the concept of 'Karma'.

"So whoever does an atom's weight of good will see it; And whoever does an atom's weight of evil will see it" - Holy Quran, 99:7-8

And to believe, you have to do more than just to submit; you need to understand. Of course, you can't understand the whole concept by yourself. And for that, you need to learn, with an open heart.

And to be honest, truth itself will reveal, along with the faith. And God knows, how long we have been living off lies that has been fed to us, for centuries.

What if someone comes and tells you that Hitler is a stacked actor and he was funded by the Rothschilds, a Jew family that control the World's money fund, which covers the whole Nazi operation and fuel their jets, as well as the chemicals that had been used for the Holocausts?

What about the conspiracy theory about 9/11, the fact that the building has been planted with bombs, and went off way before the plane hit the building of the World Trade Centre? That is something that can be told without even have to dig in the US Government Top Secret archives, and can be seen in numerous videos in YouTube alone.

What if the involvement of United States in the WWII, was somehow planned, as there were reports that said the US government knew about the attack on the Pearl Harbor a week before Dec 7, 1941?

Ooh, yes my friend. We came to the very dangerous age of Faith and Truth.

What don't people realize that Faith alone, can be used to turn against to those who follows it blindly, and those who seek the Truth.

So, you gotta know your Faith, and relearn it.

"Faith is a friend, you make it or break it." - Faith by Seven Collar T-Shirt

I'm hungry, again.

Gay.

Yep.

You got that right.

To begin with, I was quite annoyed with so many things these days, work, music, politics, almost everything. Including the gay right issues recently.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. When I was a young kid, I used to live with my sister Yati. I was somewhere in between 3 to 7 years old. That was the time in my life where I had experienced things that a young mind should not be exposed to, but somehow I am glad, because that made me who I am today.

I was raised by my sister whom apparently had so many gay friends around the house. Trans, normal gays, name it. But they were all good people. In fact, they took a good care of me when my sister went out for work. Bathed me, brought me around town and places, getting lots of cool presents and toys, and so forth. Although at that very young age, I have seen so many things that a mere 3 or 4 year old kid should not. Late Auntie Sonia (rest in peace), Papa Raj (God knows where is he now), and so many cool gay people that took care of me.

During my schooldays, very often kids who were labelled as 'soft types' were the ones who did well in their studies. Not to mention they were kind enough to help the others on their studies as well. Perhaps they've taken so many things thrown at them that they don't give a shit about the other jackasses who did that or to fool around trying to win over girls like any other normal boys. Either way, aside from their queerness, they were, or are to this day, very bright.

I have so many gay friends who happen to be good listeners and can provide good serious advice, and speaking from my observations, they know how to make money without ranting much of how shitty the financial situation while doing absolutely nothing about it.

And somehow, it's kinda sad of thinking that those good people being discriminated to the extend of being humiliated in public, even though they did nothing at all. Well, I'd make a joke about gayness sometimes, troll about them just for fun while avoiding certain limits that I am aware of as much as I can.

"That colour looks gay on you pal."

"Shit, she loves you man! Why can't you love her? Are you gay?"

"My phone died. Gayyy."

*cough*Queer*cough*

Yeah. I'd crack on that. Ha-ha. Well, I'd troll about anything, whenever, wherever, whatever.

But to publicly humiliate them?

Come on. Have some respect. They work for the country as much as you do. They paid their taxes as well as cleaning up their house like everyone else. Whatever they're doing with their life, no matter how you would lock their asses with gigantic pad lock, you won't be able to change them - unless if they want to.

Now I'm posting this not because of I'm supporting gay rights or whatsoever, in fact I'm not in the mood of supporting any party at all at the moment. Whatever that is in your damn pocket, just keep it to yourself. Who the fuck gives a shit. All I'm saying is that, learn to treat them people equally as much as possible.

And of course, to gay people, you don't have to cry and rant about how people would throw shits at you. You gotta realize that in this dying world, nothing, is just. That's just how the society works since day one - majorities will always squish the shit out of minorities. Stop crying and be bold. Grow up. Go and live your life, the way you want it to be. And always expect the consequences - just like everything in life. Ignorant will always stay where they are. That's just how you deal with everything. Don't expect people will cheer around you whenever you're making out with your partner in public. If you're about to go against the norm, you just have to deal with it - that's just the cardinal rule of life. Making youtube videos and getting riled up over negative comments on it, you should see it coming. If you think you're living in an 'oppressing' country to you, bail.

Anyway..

I don't really have much to say. I'm just hungry. Imma find something to eat.

Well...

Here's another blog that I'm currently doing with Celine. Checkout if you're free:

http://thebumseries.blogspot.com/

:)

Kimaaaak.

Kimak kan.

Time nak mintak tolong sikit punya susah payah merayu kat aku. Walaupun aku menyangkut, tapi dek kerana kesian, aku tolong jugak. La ni aku dah sangkut bagai nak rak DISEBABKAN KAU, aku nak mintak tolong balik sikit je pun, macam nak mintak nyawa. Kau jawab senang je kan?

Baguslah. Pergi berdrama la lagi dengan semua orang. Tabur cerita dongeng kesian kau tu. Baguslah. Bila kau dah mula kurang kawan, dok fikir apa sebab ramai orang pulau kan kau. Baguslah. Padan muka aku sebab baik sangat nak tolong orang.

Baguslah.

Takperlah. Dunia ni adil. Tak kira kau siapa pun, Tuhan Maha Mengetahui. Biar hancur badan jasad jiwa aku sekali pun, DIA tahu apa dalam hati aku.

Sabar je la dek non oi.

With Everything.

I made a list today, that from now on:

I'll try not to clutch the steering,

as I drive past through the places we've been fooling around all these time.

I'll try to burst into laughters,

to every jokes and weird things people shoved me, pretending that you're beside laughing frantically as much as I do.

I'll try to breathe as calm as a calf,

though I find it hard to breathe from the amount of cigarettes that helped me to ease the missing moments that keeps suffocating me.

I'll try to enjoy every meal,

though it is just a simple roti cheese and indomee goreng, and pretend that they're the best food in the whole world.

I'll try not to look at the clock

that reminds me of how I wish it could stop even just for a while, before you left. Or not to think about how long do I have to wait for you to meet you again.

I'll try not to smoke too much,

pretending that I'm leaving a decent amount of Winston Light for you later.

I'll try to sleep deeply as I can,

and pretend that this whole waiting thing is just a momentary dream, and I shall see your face when I wake up.

I'll try to smile,

and think about how you would carve your smile back at me the way you always do.

I'll walk in confidence,

and pretend that you're beside me, like you always do.

I'll to be strong for you,

for I know that it will eventually makes you strong, too.

So go on, spread your wings and fly, baby bird.

For I will be here waiting for your return home, while my heart will sing of your name, as always.

I've Yet To Have A T-Shirt That Says "USE ME" Printed On It.

I have been a mercenary for over these years.

You know, people who got paid to do anything. Only the part of getting the reasonable amount of money, in ratio of the effort I have given, had left me wondering.. of all the shit I got myself into, was it worth at all?

Sometimes, in the name of "urgency", we tend to forget that the people we are depending on for our matter of urgencies - they have their own urgencies as well that need to be catered, in order for them to work efficiently.

For instance, working on a monthly basis of hell of a workload, at times the person itself won't be able to survive (not to mention while having such burdens to get shitloads of things done) especially when they receive their "supposedly" amount of income LATE. And yet, their superiors keep on telling them, well, ironically 'reminding' them on how important urgency is.

And yet, an averagely motivated worker like me, would do anything to stay on the course by forking out every shit I have left, in order to serve the purpose for the company. There was even a time when I had to struggle of walking 5 kilometres (because my bike was thrashed and I got no penny left to spend for the repairing) while having a bad fever, for few days, before I was told by the boss that I was "useless" and "worth nothing", hence I should go home and fuck myself.

Well, I'm glad I took the right move, went home, and fuck myself up, figuratively before I went working with quite of a huge multinational company. Good thing was there was no dateline or whatsoever, so I was quite of a slummer, taking my time doing my job. Even that happened after give or take 6 months, when I realized that there was no use of working overtime while everyone else on the same level as you slumming around and got promoted, while you were doing THEIR job.

Well, they did at least gave a promise that I'll have my time anytime soon, just not at that particular moment, when in the end I found out that there was some sort of politics involved. For two years of dealing the same shit, I realized that it was not worth of the effort, not to mention I am practically damaging myself up working on variable odd shifts.

And having a part time income by doing band recordings at home is not a very good idea, if you are such a nice, yet pitiful chap who's trying to make small amount of money by helping small bands recording their early demos and singles for a very low price. And yet to be the sole contact point of blaming, because of the quality does not up to the par with international bands such as Green Day or Linkin Park who spent five hundred thousand dollars for a record, in a decent studio that has Pro Tools HD and shit.

Not to mention of being in a small-time band, that most of the band members including yours truly are not rich kids that have parents who would give them Gibson guitars, Mesa amps or Truth drumkits for birthday presents.

And not that I am being unreasonable, by blaming the people who 'sort of' gave me promises that I will be getting the respectable amount of money, IF there are jobs to be done. Sometimes you just have to face it, especially working in a company that provides services.

The equation is really simple. Customers = Money. No customers = you'll be having peanuts for dinner for the rest of the month.

But at least I put my best effort to show up (no matter what) in the workplace every day, and do whatever I've been told to do, at my best. In a position where a typical people would end up leaving the company that actually can even barely to pay the superior, just like that - I choose to stay. Because I have faith in everything I do; I would get the cheese at the end of the tunnel, whether it is rotten or not.

But apart from that, there's a part called appreciation, where people tend to forget or ignore. Appreciation is the least motivation for one who's desperately in need of an income to survive to do his job, which one of the rarest thing I have received throughout these years. At the very least, I hope that I won't look like a total jackass in front of the customer, from being humiliated by my own superior for not handing the right task, or doing anything right although I spent quite of a time learning and doing it.

And yet, with that faith I had in me, I choose to stay. Still.

If it happens that those people read my post, and saying that I am an asshole for putting up this post - I don't care, nor giving any amount of shit. I'd shrug happily.

I need a milo.

Buuuuuuutopa...

*AaaaaAAAaaaaachumbutopakhang!* *Snort*

Haih.

Berabuk sudah blog aku ni. Lama sial tak mengepost benda-benda. Sibuk mengalahkan artis. Poketnya kosong jugak. Padan muka, siapa suruh buat kerja untuk orang free-free? Haa, kan dah kena gula dengan semua orang.

Aaanyway. Dah setengah tahun dah. Tahun depan 2012. Dah nak kiamat bak kata manusia-manusia yang dok terpengaruh tengok cerita Illuminati sana sini. Tah. Pedulik apa aku. Konspirasi la, konspirasu la. Macam la boleh bongkar semua benda dalam satu hari nak selamatkan dunia konon. Kuat berangan masing-masing. Banyak sangat tengok sci-fi, ha ni la dia. Copypastetag la banyak mana pun kat facebook, the world is coming to its end. For sure. So? Kau Tuhan la boleh tahu bila tarikh Bumi nak meletup.

Okay okay. Chill.

*Tarik nafas, hembus nafas*

Aaanyway, aku saja je nak post benda. At least ada entry. Silap-silap aku nak tukar nama ada "Evans" kat belakang, tumpang glamer Milano Evans apa benda tah nama dia.

Buuuuuuuutopakhang.

Lantak pi la dia hai. Malas aku nak amik port.

Cuma, yang lawaknya dok perati komen-komen (rata-rata yang sebaya umoq dengan dia), fuih, maki hamun caci kemain lagi hampa noo? Lagi elok hampa pi carik dia bagi pisau suh dia kelaq tangan biaq mampuih teruih. Amboih-amboih. La ni hampa dok maki dia apa suma, ingat dia nak tukaq mindset la ni jugak ka? Dia tu budak lagi, akai pun besaq kuman. Apa pun dia takleh pikiaq mana baik mana buruk, biar pun dah berkati-kati jantan dia dah main. Dari hampa dok tabuh dia, baik nasihat dia. Anak kita esok lusa belum tau. Yang maki-maki pun (terutamanya perempuan), aku tengok ada jugak yang pakai gambaq siap nampak cleavage jadi default picture, macam mana dia nak amik port kat apa yang hampa dok cerita panjang lebaq kat wall dia? Memang nampak gayanya ada harapan besaq dia akan jadi Bohsia terhebat pada masa akan datang, alang-alang dah hampa semua dok tekan dia. Haih.

Dunia duniaaaa.

Okay okay. Chill.

*Tarik nafas, hembus nafas*

Eh, ni apahal aku boleh kena sampuk cakap utagha ni? Dasar budak Negeri Sembilan lupa gulai cendawan punya mangkuk.

Baiklah, sampai di sini saja giliran kira pada kali ini. Semoga jumpa lagi. Majulah Sukan Boling Padang Untuk Negara.

SPM Oh SPM

Sempat jugak aku terpandang paper pagi tadi, heboh pasal budak-budak ramai gila dapat straight A tahun ni. Kawan adik aku pun dapat sama (tapi memang tak boleh dinafikan la, dia adik beradik semua otak sepesen, genetik genius belaka).

Cuma aku terfikir je la, dengan kelulusan dan pencapaian tahun ni yang gila babi tinggi, agak-agak kau orang la, kemasukan universiti tahun ni macam mana agaknya ya? Senang ke tak?

Maka di sini la kepala hotak aku merewang pasal mak bapak yang penat lelah ikut anak-anak mereka panjat jabatan pendidikan nak daftar anak masing-masing kat universiti yang top-top gitu. Ye lah, anak dapat straight A, takkan nak masuk kolej komuniti ye dak? Malu ah kat orang kampung!

Tapi dengan kemasukan yang begitu ramai, akan ada satu dua budak yang tercicir. Maklum la, anak-anak kampung yang takde connection dengan datuk datuk datin datin tersohor, terpaksa la bertungkus lumus cari line internet kat kampung yang masih ada lagi yang pakai ASDL, apply untuk scholarship, universiti tempatan, sebab mak bapak tak mampu nak biaya pengajian diaorang.

Untuk kalian, aku salute.

Dan kepada yang kompem masuk universiti tu (walaupun ada sesetengahnya dapat result yang aku rasa kalau kau apply masuk pusat latihan Giat Mara pun rasanya diaorang fikir sepuluh kali), sama ada guna kabel letrik ke, kereta kabel ke, sila jangan sia-siakan peluang yang kau orang dah dapat ni. Sebab kau orang untung, peluang yang kau orang dapat dengan mudah, ada ramai lagi yang sangap tak dapat apa-apa walaupun result dia orang gempak.

Dan pastikan kau orang paham dengan apa course yang kau orang ambik, sebab ada juga mangkuk-mangkuk (rasanya termasuk aku dulu kot) yang masuk universiti sebab dah takde mana lagi nak pergi/takde apa lagi nak buat. Main hantam masuk, sebab course pilihan hati tak layak, dapat pulak tiba-tiba course yang kau orang sendiri tak tahu amende tu. Lepas tu, blaja setengah jalan, give up. Lepas tu mengaduh macam takde masa hadapan.

Dan kepada mereka yang langsung tak dapat apa-apa, jangan khuatir. SPM bukan maksudnya kau orang akan bergelap sepanjang hayat. Tak masuk universiti tak bermakna kau orang ni sampah masyarakat. Jangan duduk termenung, mengenang nasib, menyesal sebab selalu keluar malam merempit dengan bohsia walaupun SPM tinggal seminggu lagi (yang ni tak boleh cakap apa, memang kau sengaja carik nahas). Bina balik kekuatan diri. Kalau mampu, masuk private college, apply PTPTN (walaupun chance kau nak dapat bukan mudah sekarang ni). MARA jangan cerita la. Kalau kau dapat, memang kau power (macam aku). Kalau tak rasa nak study, mulakan sesuatu dari bawah.

Aku tulis ni pun sebab buang masa yang terlebih, untuk budak-budak yang sibuk dok buzz aku pasal hal ni. Ni pun kalau dia orang baca la. Dah dah, pegi main jauh-jauh dengan result SPM kau tu.

_____________

At times I'd go and find an open field at night, and lie on it as I watch the open sky.

And wonder,

how does it feel to be lost in space.

Well, not to run away from things, nor escaping myself from something -

I just wanted to know how does it feel to stroll far away from the exosphere. Far into the cold, empty void.

A quest,

a test.

Feeling free from gravity,

that's always pulling me back to Earth.

Away from the scorching heat of the Sun.

Counting the glimmering stars, as if I'm transmitting waves back and forth.

Swimming through the rocky asteroids, as they slowly collide with each other.

To gaze the Earth from far far away.

And to just keep swimming, in the utmost exhaustion.

And to miss you from far.

And somehow, I will try to swim my way back

to you.

With everything I have left.

rainclouds.

i was once a 24/7 coward,

thought that i'd always savour my ride on a bike

in the rain.

a great escape from everything.

a total retreat.

a tourniquet for my unseen cuts and bruises.

counting thunders in the distant.

waiving my hand,

in the motion of air as they collide with my fingers

while emotionlessly speeding on a wet, slippery asphalt.

lost i was

in between million gazillion raindrops.

lost i was

in the gush of cold winds.

lost i was

in my own world;

in an open road, yet matteroffactly i was actually

confined in a small squared dead cell

lost, i was.

so lost, i even tried to convince myself,

that i'd be better off vanished in the wind.

when at the end of the road,

i'll be shivering in the wet and cold air.

alone.

at the end of the day,

a coward,

still.

looking back,

i am now bold and brave enough to carve a smile on my face,

or throw a laugh/grin/chuckle - anything cynical, whatever! -

at a memory that blooms only in the neverendingeverlasting autumn.

and for a moment,i had been bestowed

with a pure, geniune touch;

filled with 1001 emotions.

that brings me back to the ground,

back to the gravity.

a touch that diverts me from the gloomy fractions of thoughts

that made me forget that

once i've endured a period of moment i have

to close my eyes by the dusk of storms and thunders,

to hide myself from the lightnings,

and to wake myself up at the dawn of a calm, still morning.

and i've finally learned to unclench my fists,

that has been strangling me over the years

my own fists

that actually suffocate me without me knowing what was it.

for years.

i'm. finally. fine. i'm. finally. feeling. great. i've. never. felt. better.

finally.

man, i'm hungry.

Patience Is The Keyyyyyy!

Hari ni aku ada interview, tapi aku macam tak ready apa apa. Dress up pun macam sakai.

Patience is the keyyyyyy.

Sen takdak. Orang hutang aku tak bayar. Takat puluh takper la, kumpul-kumpul ada dekat ribu jugak lah.

Patience is the keyyyyyy.

PC aku jahanam. Nak buat recording takleh, nak update blog pun susah, nak tulis artikel pun susah, sampai kesian awek aku takde laptop, pinjam laptop dia. Aih.

Patience is the keyyyyyy.

Tapi takper, aku gembira. Because I choose to. :)

Patience is the keyyyyyy.

"Wait, patience is the keyyyyyy?"

"Ye ah, sabar tu separuh dari iman, ngok."

"Ohhh.."

Well..

Patience is the keyyyyyy.

Yo.

Looks like I need to create another blog page soon, for my.. uhm.. poetical posts. Till then, I'd continue using this one for any generic posts.

Blergh.

i am happy.

as i watch the thin smoke
slowly dissolve and disappear
outside my window
into the air, beneath the rays of light

along with those
memories
photos
voices
of people and faces and conversations and names and phone numbers and places and pages
that i long to erase
from these fractions in my head.

i can finally convince myself that i,
indeed,
had achieved a victory,
a triumphant glory,
a wonderful moment,
a permanent escape from my own circle of suffering.

i did it. i finally did it.

it felt
good.
refreshing. alive. mindblowing. wonderful. excited. breathtak.. sigh.

or any other beautiful terms that i can inject as much as possible into my mind.

except, "happy".
-because i don't need to.

i am already in a huge, solid fortress of happiness.

i am so happy,
just to find that

a smile, that once i had and lost,

clearly shown in the reflection in your glowing eyes.



i let go of a sigh, that sums a paragraph;
"i don't need to bear any doubt in my chest no more,
that you are, too, feel the same way as i do.
when all i see in your eyes,
is me."

i, am, happy.

Short, Yet Solid.

i wish
i possess the power to turn every question
that drives you thousand miles away
without having me to mutter any word to answer them.

i wish
i could drown and dissolve in every drop of your tears.
to wash those pains away.
to become a part of your skin,
to cover your feet,
for you to walk along the pebbles of thorns.

i wish.

Sanctuary.

welcome to my fort.

a bastion built on a ground hallowed by showers of blood, miseries, and pain.
full of bricks and rubbled walls.

a place that took countless of battles,
witnessed thousands of killings and cuts.
rained by hundreds of catapults.

i can only provide you with minimum safety; wounded men at arms, cavalries and mercenaries.
marksmen at every watchtower.

with short supplies of food and water.

i do not know of how long these walls can last.
nor to guarantee that this citadel will not be taken at any time.

but to the very least,
i will make sure, that

this, place,

is always be the best place for your escape.
the garrison for you to hide.
and i will do whatever it takes, to protect you.

i will keep you safe in here,
in my sanctuary.
my fort.

-----------------------------

there are a million ashes
that crash to the sound of a sigh
and a million tears
that sink into deeper, darker places

waiting for shine

there is a place meant
for us
to seal pain away from the world
and attempt to open up pieces of
locked
shattered
spaces
without feeling the fear of crumbling

because there is no fear
in wishing for a smile

there are a million tender notes
of a familiar tune
and a million shade of light
that can ease through the tangles
of a heavy heart

and bring to it again
a long forgotten shine

a shine meant to live
in a soul like yours

------------

magic is just fantasies for mortals, so they say.

well.. i do not know i do possess the power.
not, until, where i am at a point,
that i have finally witnessed the miracle

myself.

so i choose to ignore them. whatever they say.

as i am now,
here,
standing,
with a broken wand in my grip,
cracked broken piece of bone.

and with it, i will create you a bolt of light.
tiny, but bright.
filled with colours.
a tiny, bright, colourful light.

to light up your darkened days and tainted soul.

meant to stay,
for million years.

-----------------

these were the dark ages
of clouds
and tainted skies
that ripped with screams
of lost eyes
and hurt held captive

but there is always a comfort
of trusting
to believe in
a miracle
that will
loosen clenched fists and
internal ache
a miracle that will paint
the skies
beautiful once more
and release all the hope
trapped in.

---------------------------

bliss.

Mhhhm.

I couldn't find any relief,
from plucking any of these rustic strings, with my numb fingers.
Far from playing three or four chords to make me feel all right.

So I set myself off tonight,
Driving through empty lanes, in the darkness.

Looking for a hand to hold.
Looking for an eye to stare for just five seconds.
A scent. A voice.
Looking for the whole picture.
For an answer to my prayer.
For you.

Strangely enough,
As the road resorts me to an empty crossroad,
As if God has answered me, shown in few directions.

For a moment, I came to a sudden realization, that;

Promises are meant to be broken and can never be kept.
Chances are bound to fail in moments of despair.
Battles are meant to be fought, not to run away from it.
And the truths are always hidden under all those bruises, only to be discovered when we dare to scrap them off, leaving the scars behind.

And by the time I had figured it all out,
The sun has risen again,
revealing the path,
of which road should I take.

But I choose to stay.
As I already have all the answers I need.